lost & delirious

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

new blog

scout finch has moved!

click here to enter my new home.

^_^

Posted at 3:36:15 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Saturday, October 09, 2004

last entry

Tara comforts a crying Willow after Joyce died in "The Body", Season 5
(more W/T video clips at http://www.fontaine.comcen.com.au/)

***

for some reason, i re-read my entry "the bitter pill" last night. and it made me realize how different things are just eight months ago when i first went online with this blog, to the way things are right now. it's sort of amusing to look back and recount all the cool and crazy stuff that happened. i look at myself and i'm amazed to see how much i've changed since then. how life has changed for better or for worse.

i have decided to close this blog. it was a great home. i met quite a few interesting people and i had loads of fun. but i think it's time for me to close the door and perhaps open a new one. soon...

thanks a bunch to all those who took time to visit my world. your comments are well appreciated. this is actually my third blog, and you've all helped make it the best one so far. special mentions go to:

kiddo... part of the reason i started to blog. hoping you might read it and consider me not such a bad person as you thought. harhar. thanks for the friendship & all your advice. advance happy 3rd to you & bee. ^_^

lantis... trusty friend. now that i think about it, you're the very first person to give feedback on the layout, write tagboard posts, make entry comments, vote on the polls and sign the guestbook. man, i owe you a treat!

TQ... favorite tagmate ever. it's always a joy talking to you, w/ your uncanny ability to read my mind like it was your own. a good feeling, to be understood. may the best person win your heart. she's one lucky girl. ;)

and finally,

Drenched... the sassy girl with a temper to match my own. i've always said you were like an unexplored forest to me, and i found that as i learned more about you, i also discovered a lot about myself and how much i can push my limits. thank you for all the things we shared and the lessons you taught me. please try not to abuse yourself so much. if only you'll let yourself believe how special you are, you'll go a long long way. of that, i'm certain. make me proud. take good care of yourself, dear...

***

OMNIA MUTANTUR, NIHIL INTERIT

"everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

Posted at 4:20:26 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (7)

Thursday, August 19, 2004

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them
or I'm gonna make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for her own peace
of mind. Don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole world pegged.
Clementine: Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

***
oftentimes, movies are nothing more than a two-hour escape from the rigors of our daily grind. we watch, and then, we forget. but once in a while, there are those special ones that turn out to be a kind of pleasant surprise. those are the movies that stir something inside you, the kind that speaks with a devastating honesty that you find your innermost thoughts unfolding before your very eyes. and as your tale is told, it leaves you weeping silently in the darkness.

such was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - a film that celebrates the complexities of love, and does so without sugarcoating the word. it depicts the realities two people confront inside a relationship - the tender beginnings, the excitement of the first kiss, the petty arguments, the big fights, and the determined struggle to hold on. daring to take chances, Charlie Kaufman's latest screenplay succeeds at being smart, funny, and endlessly thought-provoking.

it probes deep into the pains of separation and how best to overcome it. here we have the two lead characters opting to erase each other from their memory, quite literally in the film. and the wisdom of their decision comes under close scrutiny as they gradually realize the consequences of their actions. charmingly poignant and intensely heartbreaking, the movie is a work of no less than a spotlessly brilliant mind.

Mister Kaufman, you are a genius.

***
the whole family was gathered in the living room the other night, as it has been a habit of ours to watch the evening news together. when the entertainment segment came, the topic of Kris Aquino came about. the abomination also known as my older brother began shaking his head and muttered, "nakakahiya sya. STD. yuck."

now i could care less about showbusiness, but i just could not let that comment pass. "eh di ba mas nakakahiya si joey? sya kaya yung nanghawa."

"kahit na, si kris yung BABAE. bakit sya nagpahawa? kadiri. inamin nya pa sa mga tao. hindi na nahiya."

apparently, in the world according to HIM, standing up for one's self and telling the truth are values exclusive only to men, and they become despicable acts when committed by women. what. a. brute. he ought to go back to wherever cave he came from and spare us from his narrow chauvinist mind. how in god's name did this person become my brother? HOW?!

the same blood runs through our veins. i am deeply shamed.

***
it has been exactly a month since she left me.

they say loss has five stages: denial, bargaining, anger, despair, and finally, acceptance. i must have gone through each and every one, and now i've come to terms with reality. she is no longer mine, and i am no longer hers.

but sometimes, i still find myself closing my eyes and reaching out to touch her face in the void. i still long to caress the smoothness of her cheeks, and place a most tender kiss on her lips. whenever i find something beautiful, it is still second nature for me to want to run and share it with her.

there are moments, i admit, when her absence hits me like a blow to the chest. but the pain grows less and less, as i realize... that it is not a pointless thing to love because it may fall apart, just as it is not a pointless thing to be alive because of imminent death. you live for the journey, and you love for the moments, like when you would hold her hands and catch her looking at you with loving eyes, that your heart is filled with an inexplicable sort of bliss.

the fact that it ended does not alter the truth that it happened.

she came by... and i am happy.

Posted at 10:57:00 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (5)

Saturday, August 14, 2004

freeze frame

Rose Walker talking to Desire in "The Kindly Ones", Sandman #65

Posted at 4:18:16 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Friday, August 06, 2004

blogworthy

a letter that never got sent...
one of the many written in her name...
letters, poems, short stories...
of first touches, quiet walks and butterflies...
all for the lady who thought herself unworthy of the stroke of my pen...
you were wrong, you know.
it was my pen that thought itself unworthy...
of the muse that was you.

For the past how many years of my life, I have learned to enjoy the comforts of solitude. I had always been an individualist who never wanted to be pinned down. Freedom was a gift I so treasured.

To the one who came unannounced and swept me off my feet, I know it's long overdue, but still let me say the words I've been longing to tell you.

I was trudging through the mists of a jaded path and you saved me. I tried to run from you but you chased me and never gave up. Whenever i was reluctant, you proved that your mind was clear and certain. Whenever I was anxious, you were there to hold me and give me comfort.

Thank you for understanding that for all my so-called high ideals, I too am blessed with a flurry of imperfections. Thank you for putting up with my sudden bouts of crankiness and insanity. Thank you for having the patience and readiness to work things out when the going gets rough. And most of all, thank you for making me feel loved and cherished. You turned this lost and tired soul into a believer. I could never thank you enough.

When others say we can't, we will.
When the odds are impossible, we will make it happen.
We will gather all the naysayers and prove them wrong.

You make this mere mortal feel invincible.
I love you so much, dear...

Posted at 9:15:16 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Monday, June 07, 2004

happy!

"It is sometimes a mistake to climb;
It is always a mistake to never even make the attempt.
If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true.
But is it that bad to fail? that hard to fall?
Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you.
And sometimes, when you fall... you fly..."
- Dream, Neil Gaiman's The Sandman

Posted at 1:37:31 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (1)

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

confessions of a jaded mind

love is nothing but a foolish game of "STARE"
played it so many times yet i never learned it well
that now i'm too afraid to be the first to blink
and fall face flat - AGAIN - into the pits of hell

***

what do you do when you've fallen out of hope,
and find that you haven't quite fallen out of love?

***

how do you hide your heart in the shadows
when you've convinced yourself it's best
to wear it proudly on your sleeves?

***

how do you teach yourself to grow cold
and pretend you don't feel anything at all
when the sadness is swallowing you whole?

***

how do you walk the thin red line,
when all you've ever known in your life
is to toggle between opposite extremes?

***

if love is just a foolish game of "STARE"
then why should i even try to play it fair?
no, not even that - why should i fall?
why should i be playing this game at all?

Posted at 6:54:02 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (4)

Thursday, May 06, 2004

the enchantress

it was the summer of my freshman year. classes were about to begin, and naturally my ears were filled with incessant chatter as fellow students mingled in the lobby. i just sat there, quietly, and tried to look around for a familiar face. of all the people walking about, this certain girl caught my eye. there was something baffling about her smile. one look at her and she makes you feel... happy. her smile was wonderfully contagious. those few precious seconds was all it took, and her face was etched forever in my mind.

as months passed by, it became apparent that we had a good number of friends in common. oftentimes i'd find myself in a conversation, and then she'd come by and say "hi" to whoever i was talking to. unfortunately, none of them ever bothered to introduce me to her. it makes me want to hit my friends over the head with a trout, i swear! but as i was too painfully shy to approach her, i could only content myself with a sigh each time she leaves. yet another sordid case of deja vu. it almost seemed as if the universe was conspiring against me - sophomore year was almost over and i still didn't know who she was!

it's a good thing everyone has a limit. and one day, i just couldn't stand it. she was walking away after our class, and i had the urge to follow her. so i did. i kept myself a few paces behind, gathering my guts as i tried to stop my heart from jumping out of my chest. we were the only two people in the hallway that early morning. she must have noticed me, because all of a sudden, she stopped walking, turned around, and smiled at me. i smiled back, a bit hesitantly. she held out her hand and introduced herself. i remember i was so nervous that i held out my LEFT hand instead of my right, and we had this very awkward handshake. it was really funny. i walked her to her next class, and we had a nice conversation in between.

and that, my dear reader, was the start of a beautiful friendship.

she was just what i needed at the time. i didn't like my course. taking up engineering felt like a burden to me - not so much that it was hard, but more because i wasn't interested. she was different. whenever she talked about our subjects, you could see in her eyes that it was her passion. she was far from being a nerd, so you'll be surprised with the way she gets unbelievably high scores when the rest of the batch could only dream of passing. she made me want to excel and love what i was doing. i began to enjoy myself and my grades got better and better. i love it whenever i see her in the morning, because i know i'll be wearing a silly grin on my face the whole day. nothing and no one could spoil my mood. she made me understand what happiness really meant. i felt it, and it was intoxicating. masarap palang maging masaya.

of course, what we had was strictly friendship. i was too much of a coward at that time to admit my feelings. i felt satisfied with all the little things we got to do, and how our closeness allowed me to take care of her in my own way. i love it whenever we're seated together in class, so we can talk endlessly when we're bored. i love her simplicity, and how beautiful she looks without even trying. i love it when she confides to me her secrets, heartaches and whatnot, and i give her the best advice i could think of to put her mind at ease. but most of all, i love it when i get to walk her to her dorm at the end of the day, and in turn she'd stubbornly insist she walk me to the nearest stop and see me off as i catch a ride home. one of my fondest memory of us happened on a valentines day. we were walking back to her dorm and i saw little purple flowers along the street. on impulse, i picked one and gave it to her. i was worried she might get mad at me for being so bold. i was surprised when she smiled sweetly and said thank you.

i was relieved... and floating on clouds.

but as with all things, bliss could not last forever. maybe i was falling too much, and it was becoming too painful, knowing what we had could never be more. maybe it was differences in values, because the way we think were poles apart. maybe it was both and more. in the end, i was prompted to go away, avoiding her so i could forget. she noticed it, of course. i only said i was busy, which was true, but it's still a lousy excuse, i know. she was also busy with her own life, and i guess we just drifted apart. she'll never know how much it hurt me, wanting so bad to rush to her and tell her all about my day, but instead pretending she doesn't exist. wanting so bad to take care of her, but knowing all too well that i didn't have the right, and that i never will.

yet despite the complications, we eventually managed to patch things up between us. although this time, i was more careful not to fall. we never quite got it back the way it used to, which i suppose is the way i wanted it to be. she graduated cum laude, of which i am very proud. that's no small feat in our course, and nothing gains my respect more than a person's intellect. after that, the last i heard was that she went on to teach engineering subjects in a well-known neighboring school. that was two years ago.

a few days back, i saw her again - the first time i was able to speak to her since she left school. it was a pure delight to see her once more. she's hasn't changed a bit. well, gained a few pounds maybe, but still as radiant as ever. i never realized how much i missed her smile - a smile that will always have the power to enchant me. we got to chat and did a bit of catching up, as old friends do. has it been two years? the way we talked made me feel as if i just saw her the day before. it felt so easy, so natural.

a lot of things has happened in the last few years. we took very different paths, and our lives are now worlds apart. but talking to her, i found out that it's not really important. what is essential is that we share a common history, and no matter how many years pass us by, no one can take that away. it will always be there for us, like a dusty old book you can read whenever you'd like to reminisce.

it will be there. always.

Posted at 4:17:07 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (6)

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

to hell and back

at around 9 o'clock last night, i was quietly reading in my room when i was startled by the shouts of my older brother in a panic. i quickly put down my book and went out to see what was happening. what greeted me was the sight of my younger sister, frantically running across the living room. when she saw me, she cried, "Ate! May sunog! May sunog!"

i ran outside and saw a blaze roar from the back lot, a stone's throw away from where i was. the only thing keeping our apartment from being swallowed by the flames was a precarious brick wall, and the whole neighborhood - man, woman and child - was already rushing their belongings to the side streets. i went back to the house and tried to save whatever i could.

on impulse, i took one blanket and spread it on the floor. i opened my drawer and dumped all my clothes in it. i put what little cash i have in my pocket and grabbed my school back pack, careful to save everything related to my thesis. then, by chance i saw a wooden box at the foot of my bed - it was where i kept all the letters and other precious items ever given to me by my friends - and without thinking twice, i took the extra load. i carried all these with my bare hands and marched outside with the maddening crowd.

just then, my mom and dad came home in time to witness the insanity. mom stayed outside to watch over our things while dad helped in bringing out the heavier objects. i myself went a few more times back to the house to cart as much as my little arms could take. each time i went back, i saw the fire burning much brighter than the last. at one point, i found myself standing in the middle of the chaos, just staring blankly at the raging flames. at that moment, a single thought entered my mind... and i think i began to understand why people are so afraid of Hell.

firetrucks began to pour in from all corners. i must have counted 15 or so on our side and i heard there were a lot more on the other side of the street where the fire originally began. we couldn't save everything we have. it was sheer impossibility. most of the bulky stuff like furniture and such were left inside. i did get to rescue my brother's new puppy and my dog "Lilith", but i couldn't find the old cat. i was worried because she had just given birth and i knew she didn't want to leave her kittens. Lilith was shaking terribly in my arms while we were outside. we all sat there, knowing there was nothing more we could do but hope the fire can be quickly contained before it did more harm.

the firefighters were relentless. the overwhelming response of different fire stations was both surprising and remarkable. we live in quezon city but i saw some trucks that came from as far as pasig, pasay, binondo, makati and san juan. after battling it out for more than an hour, the flames started to give in as the rich dark smoke began to turn white. we could breathe a little easier. at approximately 11pm, the fire that threatened to destroy the homes of dozens of families was finally declared "Under Control".

slowly, and understandably with some hesitation, people started going back to their homes and putting their possesions in order. when i came back to our own house, i could only shake my head. it looked pretty much like a warzone. the floor was wet and muddy, the sofas were strewn reckless on top of each other, and kitchen was even worse. much worse. then came reality check, and we began to wonder how we would be able to sleep in this mess. so we began the tedious process of starting from scratch, putting things back to the way they were as if we were moving in for the first time. by 1am, we satisfied ourselves with a makeshift bed on the livingroom for the meantime to rest our very tired bodies.

but barely a few minutes after we went to bed, we heard noises coming from outside. the neighbors were up watching the smoke becoming thicker and a few sparks flickering from the supposedly controlled fire. and once again, everyone went into panic. i told my brother to call 117 and report an emergency. i also asked the neighbors to do the same so they wouldn't think it was a hoax.

my little sister and i looked at each other with the same weary face. and to think we haven't even eaten dinner yet. i was starving.

"ready for Round 2?"

"no, not again!"

Posted at 10:34:32 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (10)

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

on honesty and other musings

i wish i could meet someone who knows how to value brutal honesty.

someone i can talk to about anything and everything on my mind, without having to fear about being judged, because she is aware that it doesn't even matter whether we agree or not, what's important is that we can learn, just from hearing out each other's thoughts.

someone who appreciates being told the truth, no matter how trivial, so we could always take comfort in knowing exactly where we stand, and not have to go on false assumptions, lost in the agony of darkness.

someone i can give my trust to and rest easy with, because there would be no room for insecurities and tiresome bouts of paranoia on both camps.

and lastly, someone who doesn't waste her time playing silly stupid mind games and lies, because she understands that even the wisest and strongest of people can have the most fragile of hearts.

***

no guys, no girls, or anything in between.

***

ang dating daan. i always catch my family watching this. no, they're not members of that group (thank god). not yet anyway. but i see them almost every night, my dad and my older brother especially, glued to the tube and sucking every word that comes out of Bro. Eli Soriano's mouth. grrr... argh...

sitting quietly in my room, i can't help but hear all the preaching coming out of that box. sometimes i have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue just to keep myself from lashing out at the absurdity they dare to advertise as logic. it saddens me that so many people actually believe in these kinds of things.

tired of thinking? don't worry! for anything and everything, the answer is in the Bible! why do you have to use your own mind and have to think for yourself? but that's too hard! we're only human after all. there's an easier way, man. we have the Bible! so shut off your brain and come join us! we have the Bible!

***

no guys, no girls, or anything in between.

***

has anyone seen that new jinggoy commercial? yes, jinggoy estrada, son of the former president, who is now apparently running for a seat in the senate. after watching it for the first time last night, i honestly don't know what to feel. on the one hand, it was utterly revolting. here they go again with the "maka-masa" bandwagon. oh please, that's sooo clichщ. sheesh. they should know, they made it clichщ.

on the other hand, i wanted to laugh my guts out. i mean, didn't they both start out as actors? then why did the acting in that advertisement plain SUCK? jinggoy hugging erap just felt so... uh... fake. and to think they didn't even have to act! after all, they really ARE father and son, aren't they? i wonder if he'll eventually become a senator. with the way filipinos vote? i wouldn't be surprised. don't forget, even Loi made it last time around. but dammit, what a waste those votes would be. *sigh*

if not for him bringing the World Grand Prix to Manila back in '99 and 2000, i really wouldn't know how to justify jinggoy's existence in this universe.

***

no guys, no girls, or anything in between.

***

i have learned... that whenever a friend ignores me, i should not immediately go into panic mode. as much as possible, try to maintain rationality. 'coz if i don't, tables will turn and then she'll get mad at me, which was... weird. well, not everyone knows all the things i went through before. i suppose i can't blame them.

i have learned... that i should never go to the sunken garden alone, especially at night, and most definitely NOT when i'm depressed. the mood of the place just contributes to the problem, thereby inducing tears to fall without restraint. i think it's the grass. er... tends to make one "high", lol.

i have learned... that even if i'm all stressed out, i should not forget that i am still a human being and therefore i actually have to EAT. also, i should keep in mind that i have gastric ulcer, and if i'm not careful, someday that bottle of Maalox might not do the trick anymore.

i have learned... that not everyone can be trusted. my naive perception of people as innately well-meaning has gone down the drain. sometimes, you think you know a person... you've given them your complete trust and more, then thru your own means, you discover half of the things they told you were lies. perhaps it was just a difference in values. maybe lying is really no big deal for some people, but it is to me. so maybe that's it, huh? so much for the friendship. thanks for everything. i learned a lot.

***

no guys, no girls, or anything in between.

NADA.

Posted at 6:04:07 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (7)