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"Dare to be yourself...
it is far, far better to be
hated for what you are,
than to be loved
for what you are not."
- Andre Gide -
:: scout finch ::
about me:
i'm scout, an erstwhile college student who used to dream of becoming an independent filmmaker / screenwriter. is now living that dream. FOR REAL. =) if you must know, i was born under the sign of libra, in the year of the monkey. i still don't believe in horoscopes. i am a lesbian and an atheist. my soul is bound to be crispy fried in hell - assuming there is one. people say i'm a good listener, and they always come to me for advice. if they had any idea how messed up my life is, i bet they'd think twice. and oh, i just look 15, but i really am 24. i swear.
i was once rabidly obsessed with "buffy the vampire slayer", where my favorite couple was willow & tara. oh man, they were something else entirely. my addictions include leila barros, audrey hepburn, music, peyups, and philosophy. i like to write poetry when i'm sad. i love to sing when i'm happy. i drink but i don't smoke. i haven't tried pot either. i like sports, especially volleyball. unfortunately, i can't play it. i tried. it's hopeless. maybe i should just try yoga instead.
i'm fond of reading books when i have the time. i just watch movies if i don't. i hate george bush. i hope alien cops would come to the white house and take him to some intergalactic prison camp. someday when i retire i'd like to go to the province and live in a tree house. i think i'll be fine as long as i have cable internet. i have this weird craving for mushrooms, lumpiang ubod, and crispy m&m's. yum-yum. i keep two pets around the house - a cat and a dog. they drive each other nuts. i think it's funny. :) |
| *The Rosette Nebula, a group of very young stars. Looks like a bright red rose in the sky, doesn't it? Beautiful! |
:: last... ::
as of Oct 6, 2004,
wed, 4:35pm
[ text ]
kapuso
[ call ]
michael
[ food ]
ham & bread
home
[ purchase ]
ice cream
convenience store
[ movie | home ]
"go fish"
les indy film
[ movie | theater ]
"indeo fest"
independent short films
up film institute
[ play ]
"summer solstice"
UP Diliman
[ tv show ]
"The Swan"
studio23
[ music ]
"i believe"
my sassy girl theme
[ poem ]
"lady lazarus"
sylvia plath
[ book ]
"american gods"
neil gaiman
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*Iyari Limon, a.k.a. the real "Kennedy" from BTVS - symbol of my light at the end of the tunnel, whoever she is.
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:: LSS ::
last song syndrome
"Wherever You Will Go"
The Calling
So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
and fall upon us all
I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go...
Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love
I know now, just quite how
My love and life might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go...
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If only I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go...
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| *Pensando en la Muerte, a painting by Frida Kahlo |
:: thoughts ::
to make your head hurt
"Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear."
--- Thomas Jefferson
"Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong."
--- Ayn Rand
“Where you come from is gone, where you thought you were going to never was there, and where you are is no good unless you can get away from it.”
--- Frank O'Connor
"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."
--- D.H. Lawrence
"There's a chair in my head
In which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote
The following on it:
Now there's a key
Where my wonderful mouth
Used to be
Dig it up, and throw it at me
Dig it up, and throw it at me
Where can I run to?
Where can I hide?
Now that I'm in
A virgin state of mind
Got a knife to disengage
The voids that I bear
And cut out words
I've written on my chair
Like, do you think I'm sexy?
Do you think I really care?
"
--- K's Choice
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*Leila Barros, Brazil's #8 - a spunky volleyball player and one of my most favorite women on earth. "Yeah!"
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:: links ::
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*Audrey Hepburn... an absolute goddess. this was taken from the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's". ain't she just the cutest?
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:: writers ::
[ de saint-exupéry ]
[ ayn rand ]
[ harper lee ]
[ franz kafka ]
[ leo tolstoy ]
[ stephen hawking ]
[ neil gaiman ]
[ joss whedon ]
[ jane espenson ]
[ edgar allan poe ]
[ kahlil gibran ]
[ jessica zafra ]
[ charles dickens ]
[ pablo neruda ]
[ e.e. cummings ]
[ virginia woolf ]
:: music ::
[ the beatles ]
[ beethoven ]
[ simon & garfunkel ]
[ tom jobim ]
[ jason mraz ]
[ don mclean ]
[ queen ]
[ nirvana ]
[ R.E.M. ]
[ eminem ]
[ dido ]
[ jewel ]
[ lighthouse family ]
[ eraserheads ]
[ yano ]
[ barbie's cradle ]
:: films ::
[ full metal jacket ]
[ fight club ]
[ sabrina ]
[ scent of a woman ]
[ the hours ]
[ the craft ]
[ amelie ]
[ army of darkness ]
[ the devil's advocate ]
[ contact ]
[ inn of the 7th happiness ]
[ crouching tiger ]
[ so close ]
[ lord of the rings ]
[ breakfast at tiffany's ]
[ shawshank redemption ]
[ eternal sunshine of the spotless mind ]
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lost & delirious...........
irrationality is a gift. use it wisely.
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Friday, December 05, 2003
sometimes, hearts can be stubborn. you don't want to fall yet you do. you don't want to cry but you break. you don't want to change but you will.
we were both college freshmen then, trying to find our niche in the jungles of the university. i felt very lucky to have found such a good friend like him so soon - someone i could count on, thoughtful and reassuring. like that night at the freshman party, when i told him about how high school was for me. i guess he sensed my sadness. he looked at me and told me not to worry, because now i can begin to forget the past. this was college, where i have a new life with new friends. and most of all, i had him. at that moment, in his arms, i never felt more secure and protected.
he was the perfect gentleman, always looking out for me. the little things were the nicest. there was one time when i wasn't feeling well, all the others went ahead to go home after class but not him. he stayed behind for hours just to look after me. he was my official bodyguard. not that i couldn't take care of myself, but he insisted on being there all the time. like that incident when we were caught in the rain very late in the evening. he had fever then but he was still adamant that he hold an umbrella for me. i refused his offer, of course, it was too much. he ought to think of himself, too. but when i looked back, he was there behind me, dripping in the rain, umbrella at his side, pouting like a kid.
this guy was really sensitive.
too sensitive, perhaps. a lot of times, we would be joking around and suddenly he'd be quiet. he'd avoid me and not talk to me for days, which used to make me go crazy! i just wished he'd tell me what was wrong right away. too bad that wasn't his style. i remember an afternoon right before our exam in Philosophy. he had been avoiding me for weeks, so i was surprised when he came and sat by my side. i closed my book and looked up at him.
"may problema ka ba?" he asked gently.
this time, i chose to be honest. "ikaw."
he smiled a little and looked down. apparently he noticed our silent war was taking its toll on me. we talked things over and everything was back to normal. but not for long.
the thing was, he began to fall for me - a situation we tried to avoid from the start. it was foolishness and he knew it. there was already a girl in his life and i had absolutely no intention of coming between them. but as much as we tried to prevent things from getting out of hand, they eventually did. i liked him, too - that much i will say. i knew these kinds of complications would threaten our friendship, and i didn't want to lose him that way. it wasn't worth it.
but all that is wishful thinking. i cannot even describe it as it now seems like a blur. things happened. we started having to avoiding each other for a whirlwind of reasons. he hurt me, and i guess i hurt him. it was painful and awkward, seeing him but having to pretend he wasn't there. sometimes, we'd try to get the friendship back but it just wouldn't last. the strain was undeniable. one day, without so much ceremony, without ever saying a proper goodbye, we parted ways for good.
five years later, here we are.
last night, i bumped into him unexpectedly on my way to a gathering. when he saw me, his face lit up and he quickly went over. to be able to see each other after so long was precious. he was the boy i once knew all over again, a restrained happiness in his smiling eyes.
"congratulations!" i extended a hand in greeting.
he was a bit surprised. "how did you know?"
i gave him a wink. "i heard about the baby. is your wife with you?"
he shook his head. "i just came from work. what a coincidence to see you! how have you been?"
just like that...
two old friends meeting together - older, wiser, hopefully more mature. one of these days, we'll probably sit down and talk over coffee. i've always dreamt of that moment. we'd reminisce, and just laugh at ourselves for all the silly things, all the petty arguments. no more hurting. no more bitterness. just charge everything to experience. and after so many years, we'll be able to have closure. finally.
yes, hearts can be stubborn... but they can also learn.
*quick update: we've already had our "serious talk" since i first posted this entry. at long last (it took years, man!) we've resolved our differences from the past. the feeling of closure is wonderful! i actually let him read this article one time. he liked it. (^_^) now if only josh would do the same...
Posted at 1:09:07 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
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"The Tale of
Miss Kitty Fantastico"
Willow: Tell me a story.
Tara: Once upon a time, there was... um, a kitty. She was very little, and she was all alone and nobody wanted her.
Willow: This is a very upsetting story.
Tara: Oh, it gets better! 'Cause one day the kitty was running around on the street and a man came and swooped her up and took her to the pound. And at the pound there were lots of other kitties, and there were puppies, and some ferrets.
Willow: Were there dolphins?
Tara: Yes, many dolphins at the pound.
Willow: Was there a camel?
Tara: There was the front of a camel. A half-camel.
Willow: Did the kitty get chosen by some nice people?
Tara: Well, now you've ruined the ending.
Willow: I keep thinking 'Okay, that's the cutest thing ever.' And then she does something cuter and completely resets the whole scale.
Tara: Did you see her yawn earlier?
Willow: Yes! I thought I was gonna die! Oh, I love you Miss Kitty Fantastico!
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kitten board blog sucks or blog rocks?
post your thoughts! now na! (^_^)
:: countdown! ::
to go before
CHRISTMAS! (^_^)
:: my mood ::
today i feel...
:: my sked ::
aha!
:: archives ::
| hey! looking for past entries? pick a date on the calendar!
|
or click here!
[ the enchantress ]
[ inferno ]
[ on honesty... ]
[ blood rush ]
[ i wonder... ]
[ so close! ]
[ my crazy girl ]
[ random thoughts ]
[ reminiscence ]
[ the BIG day ]
[ catch me? ]
[ volei craze ]
[ ang paglaya ]
[ to the one i left behind ]
[ that slayer show ]
[ the bitter pill ]
[ thoughts on writing ]
[ the blue bus ]
[ fortune favors the brave? ]
[ dark willow's lament ]
[ two old friends ]
:: more quotes! ::
Nigel: Well, I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer. And about both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: O-ou-our relationship?
Willow: We're...uh... friends.
Tara: Good friends. *nods*
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're... lovers. Lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
Tara: Oh... um... just friends. *blushing*
TARA: Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard..
WILLOW: Tara?
TARA: You can't ever... put 'em back the way they were...
WILLOW: Are you okay?
TARA: I'm sorry, it's just... (sigh) you know it takes time. You can't just... have coffee and expect --
WILLOW: I know.
TARA: There's just so much to work through. Trust has to build again, on both sides...you have to learn if... if we're even the same people we were, if you can fit in each other's lives, it's a long and important process and ... can we just skip it? Can you... can you just be kissing me now? *Willow rises to kiss Tara*
TARA: Well, you should be safe. Nobody knows you're here. I mean . . . they don't even know I exist, right? I know all about them, but . . .
WILLOW: Hey.
TARA: I mean, I mean, th-that's totally cool. I mean, it-it's good. It's . . . it's better.
WILLOW: Tara, it's not like I don't want my friends to know you. It's just . . . well, Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special. And . . there's this whole bunch of us, and-and we sort of have this group thing that revolves around the slaying, and-and I-I really want you to meet them. But I-I just kinda like having something that's just, you know . . . mine. And I-I usually don't use so many words to say stuff that little, but... do you get it at all?
TARA: I do. *smiles*
WILLOW: I should check in with Giles, get a situation update.
TARA: I am, you know.
WILLOW: What?
TARA: Yours.
Willow: No candles? Well, I brought one. It's extra flammey... Tara, I have to tell you -
Tara: No, I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love.
Willow: I am.
Tara: You mean...
Willow: I mean. OK?
Tara: Oh, yes.
Willow: I feel horrible about
everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you, starting right now.
Tara: Right now? *Willow nods and Tara blows out the candle*
Willow: I still can't believe you didn't tell me.
Tara: I was just afraid that if you saw the kind of people I came from, you wouldn't wanna be anywhere near me.
Willow: See, that's where you're a dummy. I think about what you grew up with, and then I look at what you are — it makes me proud. It makes me love you more.
Tara: Every time I'm... even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?
Willow: Magic.
Willow: Those guys are checking you out.
Tara: What? W-what are they looking at?
Willow: The hotness of you, doofus.
Tara: Those boys really thought I was hot?
Willow: Entirely!
Tara: Oh my god. I'm cured! I want the boys! *laughs*
Willow: Do I have to fight to keep you? 'Cause I'm not large with the butch.
Tara: I'm just not used to that. They were really looking at me?
Willow: And you can't imagine what they see in you.
Tara: I know exactly what they see in me. You.
Under Your Spell
(Tara sings to Willow)
I lived my life in shadow
Never the sun on my face
It didn't seem so sad, though
I figured that was my place
Now I'm bathed in light
Something just isn't right...
I'm under your spell
How else could it be,
Anyone would notice me?
It's magic, I can tell
How you set me free,
Brought me out so easily
I saw a world enchanted
Spirits and charms in the air
I always took for granted
I was the only one there
But your power shone
Brighter than any I've known
I'm under your spell
Nothing I can do
You just took my soul with you
You worked your charm so well
Finally, I knew
Everything I dreamed was true
You made me believe
The moon to the tide
I can feel you inside
I’m under your spell
Surging like the sea
Wanting you so helplessly
I break with every swell
Lost in ecstasy
Spread beneath my willow tree
You make me com-plete
You make me com-plete
You make me com-plete
You make me... |
Nintendo DS Lite colors
A list of Nintendo DS games
Asian Lesbians
:: e-mail ::
got any nagging questions in your head? afraid to post it in the tag board or the guestbook? don't fret! here's a link to send a message directly to my email. i promise to write back faster than you can say "Zipeedeedoodah!" *winks*
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:: updates! ::
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