lost & delirious

Sunday, February 01, 2004

the blue bus

there. it's done. i said it.

I like you. a lot.

i'm sorry it wasn't as grand as i planned. life happened.
i'm sorry i left you right after. it was too much for me to take.
i'm sorry i couldn't fight for you. let me give way to your happiness.

there are so many things i'd like to thank you for -
like just being there, comforting me with your presence,
as if nothing can go wrong, because i have you to run to.

i will miss our ritual midnight strolls,
exploring the concrete jungle of the streets,
sharing our ideas under the pale light of the moon.

i will miss your outrageously attention-grabbing outfits,
your shocking behavior, your unconventional mode of thinking,
your refusal to be caged in rules that drew me to you from the start.

i will miss my partner in crime, dearest kindred spirit,
with you there was no need to explain my wishes and dreams,
you understood without effort, for they were your dreams as well.

but i am afraid this is the end, my beautiful friend.
i will remember you with fondness in my heart.
au revoir, mon ami. the blue bus is calling.

=======

"This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end...
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us?
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end, my only friend, the end...
I'll never look into your eyes...again."

--- The End, "The Doors"

Posted at 4:48:09 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Sunday, January 25, 2004

fortune favors the brave?

see, there's this girl.

she was the first thing i noticed before i entered the orientation room for new hires during my first day at work. well, as if anybody could ignore her. she was wearing a 70's-inspired, knitted dark blue overcoat that went down to her heels, with matching bell-bottoms and a black choker necklace. her hair, however, was the crowning glory. it came as far down as her waist and dangled with pride as she walked across the hall. i could swear she looked like a girl straight out of a gothic movie (minus the heavy make-up, that is). and as i am a sucker for all things unconventional, i was immediately hooked. later, when it was time for a break, i passed by her seat and i noticed she left the book she was reading a while back. i guess i was half-expecting to find it's nothing more than a cheesy romance novel. instead, what greeted me was a worn out paperback on friedrich nietzche's philosophy. perfect.

after that, my mind thought only of one thing: who is she?

we were placed in different teams during training, though, so i didn't get much chance to know her. but then one morning while we were having breakfast at the pantry, i went ahead and introduced myself, started a conversation, and discovered (much to my surprise) that we actually went to the same high school together! different batches, of course. it seems i was two years ahead of her. i probably didn't recognize her at once because of the, ehem, get-up. after that we began talking a bit more frequently. apparently we have a lot of common interests: literature, film, all those artsy stuff. we'd trade books and comics every once in a while, talk about future plans of making a career in writing screenplays, filmmaking, and so on.

then came my birthday, which happened to coincide with our graduation in speechcraft training. the whole batch of new hires were divided into 4 categories: impromptu, tall-tales, evaluation and humorous. she was entered in tall tales, wherein you'd have to invent a story that would be totally out of proportions and nothing short of magical, then inject a lesson which the audience can learn from. while all the other people in her category could only give a valiant effort, when she took the floor, everyone was spellbound. she took us to an adventure in the desert, with cavemen dancing naked around a bonfire and rhythmic drums urging you to a trance. i was so mesmerized that when she finished, i found myself grinning from ear to ear, eagerly wanting to post in the threads:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have a crush."

sadly, we have been separated for a time after that as some technical problems forced her to adopt a different schedule. but just last week i found out she was back and it made me so happy. i told her how much i missed her. i think she was a bit surprised and she said i was sweet. from then on, we'd be emailing each other during our shift and drop by each other's workstations during breaks - venting our frustrations about the job, talking about the finer points of films we liked, and lending each other vcds to help us get through the day. one such movie i lent her was a quirky french murder-mystery/musical/comedy. the thing is, she asked me for it because she said she heard it was good. then when she dropped by my station to pick it up she asked me,

"hey, i heard there's a lesbian scene here, right?" O-kaaayyy.

i couldn't help but twitch in my seat. "er... um... yeah. kinda."

and then when she gave it back the next day, i asked her, "so! did you like the film?"

and with a sly smile she replied, "i thought they were sooo sexy."

ok, that threw me off. "erm, i thought it was funny. sexy? whom?"

"oh, all of them!" now, was that a wink? uh-huh. hmmmm...

that would've been fine except that ALL of the characters were WOMEN. in fact the title of the film is... *drum roll please*... "Eight Women".

go figure.

i don't know. maybe i'm just imagining things. right now, i'm just like pleading, "please, no more crazy innuendos. can't you just be straight? pretty please?" heck, i'd throw in batting my eyelashes if she wants. i mean, i don't know. i'm happy and content with our setup. she's supposed to be my straight girl crush at the workplace, ergo no expectations. no danger of her freaking out, no danger of me getting hurt. everybody happy. don't you just love the simplicity of it all? but then there's this other voice that's telling me, "hello? go for it!" and of course this voice kinda has a point. i have a knack for not doing anything for months and even years. that is, until one day i wake up and find out it's too late. again. so here i am, alone - the consequence of passing on the chance for the Nth time - thinking, what if...?

so does fortune favor the brave? or will this turn out to be yet another heartache?

what to do, what to do...

Posted at 4:58:03 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Monday, December 22, 2003

dark willow's lament

how many times are we permitted to live?
is it but once? oh, but such miracle then
that the rivers have dried and the rain
had ceased to fall yet i - understand, i!
why then do i continue to exist?

i do not wish to stay in a game
where the field has become barren
rid me of this detestable miracle!
let the world shatter into pieces!
let it know of the agony inside!

how sweeter it is for everything to stop
none of the pain, none of the confussion
all will know of the elusive peace
and is that not a formidable reason?
is that not, after all, the logical conclusion?

how many times are we capable of love?
is it infinite? is it a bounty as rich as the
sands of the earth? perhaps. i have seen it
a million times, but only once did i find
and felt its purest, truest form

once! and lost, how do i get it back again?
oh, to say that i was not a good keeper
to let it stray - sir, bite your tongue!
do not let them fool you, gentlemen
the angels are scheming thieves!

yes, thieves! jealous, lonely, bitter thieves
how dare they take her away, so young
so young and full of promise, the lass!
a million red roses could never hope to compare -
and then a click... there... she's gone, forever...

once, there was life... and once, there was love
once, there was bliss... and once, there was laughter
once, there was magic... and once, there was passion
once, there was hope... and once, there was chance
once, there was i... and once... once, there was you

*i wrote this to express what i felt like during my "Dark Willow phase", after i lost my best friend. just wanted to share. things are far, far better now.

Posted at 11:54:11 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Friday, December 05, 2003

two old friends

sometimes, hearts can be stubborn. you don't want to fall yet you do. you don't want to cry but you break. you don't want to change but you will.

we were both college freshmen then, trying to find our niche in the jungles of the university. i felt very lucky to have found such a good friend like him so soon - someone i could count on, thoughtful and reassuring. like that night at the freshman party, when i told him about how high school was for me. i guess he sensed my sadness. he looked at me and told me not to worry, because now i can begin to forget the past. this was college, where i have a new life with new friends. and most of all, i had him. at that moment, in his arms, i never felt more secure and protected.

he was the perfect gentleman, always looking out for me. the little things were the nicest. there was one time when i wasn't feeling well, all the others went ahead to go home after class but not him. he stayed behind for hours just to look after me. he was my official bodyguard. not that i couldn't take care of myself, but he insisted on being there all the time. like that incident when we were caught in the rain very late in the evening. he had fever then but he was still adamant that he hold an umbrella for me. i refused his offer, of course, it was too much. he ought to think of himself, too. but when i looked back, he was there behind me, dripping in the rain, umbrella at his side, pouting like a kid.

this guy was really sensitive.

too sensitive, perhaps. a lot of times, we would be joking around and suddenly he'd be quiet. he'd avoid me and not talk to me for days, which used to make me go crazy! i just wished he'd tell me what was wrong right away. too bad that wasn't his style. i remember an afternoon right before our exam in Philosophy. he had been avoiding me for weeks, so i was surprised when he came and sat by my side. i closed my book and looked up at him.

"may problema ka ba?" he asked gently.

this time, i chose to be honest. "ikaw."

he smiled a little and looked down. apparently he noticed our silent war was taking its toll on me. we talked things over and everything was back to normal. but not for long.

the thing was, he began to fall for me - a situation we tried to avoid from the start. it was foolishness and he knew it. there was already a girl in his life and i had absolutely no intention of coming between them. but as much as we tried to prevent things from getting out of hand, they eventually did. i liked him, too - that much i will say. i knew these kinds of complications would threaten our friendship, and i didn't want to lose him that way. it wasn't worth it.

but all that is wishful thinking. i cannot even describe it as it now seems like a blur. things happened. we started having to avoiding each other for a whirlwind of reasons. he hurt me, and i guess i hurt him. it was painful and awkward, seeing him but having to pretend he wasn't there. sometimes, we'd try to get the friendship back but it just wouldn't last. the strain was undeniable. one day, without so much ceremony, without ever saying a proper goodbye, we parted ways for good.

five years later, here we are.

last night, i bumped into him unexpectedly on my way to a gathering. when he saw me, his face lit up and he quickly went over. to be able to see each other after so long was precious. he was the boy i once knew all over again, a restrained happiness in his smiling eyes.

"congratulations!" i extended a hand in greeting.

he was a bit surprised. "how did you know?"

i gave him a wink. "i heard about the baby. is your wife with you?"

he shook his head. "i just came from work. what a coincidence to see you! how have you been?"

just like that...

two old friends meeting together - older, wiser, hopefully more mature. one of these days, we'll probably sit down and talk over coffee. i've always dreamt of that moment. we'd reminisce, and just laugh at ourselves for all the silly things, all the petty arguments. no more hurting. no more bitterness. just charge everything to experience. and after so many years, we'll be able to have closure. finally.

yes, hearts can be stubborn... but they can also learn.

*quick update: we've already had our "serious talk" since i first posted this entry. at long last (it took years, man!) we've resolved our differences from the past. the feeling of closure is wonderful! i actually let him read this article one time. he liked it. (^_^) now if only josh would do the same...

Posted at 1:09:07 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!