lost & delirious

Sunday, March 21, 2004

random thoughts

when the world gets you down, it's up to you to cheer yourself up. don't expect anyone else to do it for you. grab some donuts, buy some ice cream, cook your favorite meal. go watch a movie, phone your friends, have an ice cold beer. do anything, just DON'T wallow in your misery.

***

i was at the Film Center to support Celine's entry to a film festival. when i got there, she introduced me to her friend.

"Jason, this is my friend, Scout." as per tradition, waving ensues. "oh, by the way, she's GAY. don't try."

nice touch. thanks, Celine. best intro ever.

***

people overly romanticize love and say it's destiny. i think that's just a convenient excuse whenever you don't end up with the person you love - "it wasn't meant to be" and all that clichщ. i tend to believe love is sheer hard work. it's a more empowering mindset. you have control over your life, and all things are possible. although sometimes, it can be cruel when life doesn't turn out according to plan... because you know, somehow, somewhere, you could have done something to change it.

***

last friday, my friend was teasing me about my outfit. i was wearing my favorite UP shirt - a baby tee with glowing orange sleeves. with my bright orange backpack, i could have passed for one of those "glow in the dark" thingies.

the irony is, i hate orange. in fact, the old Stabilo highlighter i used to review my notes was orange, because i know whenever i see a word in that color, my eyes would get severely irritated and flare up. word is memorized, exams are passed. catch my drift?

***

i think i'll name my robot "Kennedy". if you're not a buffy-crazed fan, give up. you will not get this. but those who do will think i'm creepy. how very Warren-esque. what? anything to make this thesis more motivating. just hope i don't get skinned alive when it's time for my defense.

***

a FORMER crush of mine asked me recently:

"I guess the real question is, why do you prefer women? I mean, men can also use their tongue and fingers. Why suddenly turn your backs on millions of years of evolution and start making love to women? (Ok, some species have exhibited instances of homosexuality, but such cases are rare. heehee.) What do you find irresistable in women that men do not possess? What were you thinking at the moment you decided to be a lesbian?"

first of all, you don't "decide" to be a lesbian. it's NOT a choice. you don't get to pick who you become attracted to, it just happens. what you do get to decide upon is whether to let being one come into reality - to let it manifest itself or to repress it.

why in the world do you have to immediately associate everything with sex? i'd like to think that loving women is not that shallow as you paint it. and what the hell do i care about millions or even gazillions of years of evolution? that was them, this is me. my life will NOT be ruled by convention or evolution. of all people, i thought you knew better than to ask that.

for years, i did try to repress it. that's what you do when you're in an environment hostile to your kind. but now i just chose to finally be true to myself. why? because one day, the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

i guess you could say... i got tired of all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. believe me, it sucks.

***

on my way home after watching the cool "Vagina Monologues", the weirdest thing happened. a butch lesbian changed seats in the jeepney so that she would be in front of me. then, she looked at me and RAPPED her heart out with a sort of harana (a love song), the hip-hop version. thinking back, it was kinda sweet, but it was almost 1am then and i was just too tired and incoherent. she may have thought i ignored her.

to the rapper girl: if it's any consolation, i still remember it, and whoever you are, you earned a space in my blog. amazing gaydar (er... lesbi-dar?) you got there to spot me like that. some people are so darn clueless.

Posted at 4:28:17 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (5)

Sunday, March 14, 2004

reminiscence

the sunrise as seen from the EEE building

i spent the past two nights at the mobot lab in school, helping out to rush this thingie for an inter-collegiate contest. a line-following mobile robot race of sorts. after endless hours of working overtime, could you imagine how spaced out people were by saturday noon? they looked more like zombies than anything else, staring blankly at the computer screen with barely functioning brains. it was uh, reeeally, reeeally bad.

ah, cramming... sleepless nights... welcome back to EEE life.

the only good thing about these project overnight marathons is that every morning, you get to go up the roofdeck at the 5th floor and soak up the view of the beautiful sunrise. the picture is a snapshot of the first time i ever saw it from there, almost 3 years ago. my friend leo and i spent all night talking at the roofdeck, waiting patiently for the sun to appear, camera in hand. we were awe-struck, i tell you. the scene that gently unfolded before our very eyes was incredibly breathtaking.

seeing it again the past few days brought back a lot of memories. i used to almost live in the department because of my academic workload. it became a morning habit to wake up at 5:30am so i could go up and catch the sunrise, along with the cool morning breeze, the chirping of the birds, the swaying of the trees to the wind, and sometimes when i'm lucky, the light rain to awaken my senses. then at 6am, i would go down to catch an "Ikot" ride to the co-op canteen. there i would take my ritual 15-peso breakfast, consisting of fried rice and 2 slices of luncheon meat. what's that you say? no, no, no. i'm not thin. i'm slim. =P

you know, when my best friend Jynx was still here, i used to have this smug grin painted all over my face. every morning when i come back to the department, i would think to myself, my god, the world is such a beautiful place... i'm so damn lucky to be alive. when she suddenly disappeared, i was frightened that the worst had come to pass (would it be a crime to be paranoid if your best friend has a terminal illness?). i went to the roofdeck to catch the sunrise, desperate to cheer myself up. it wasn't the same. the once wonderful view became dull in my eyes. i guess that's what they mean by "relativity".

a lot of things has happened since then. Jynx passed away and my life had become one intense rollercoaster ride. two years... the world has changed so much, and i, along with it. so now you ask, how did i feel when i saw the sunrise again after so long?

hopeful. simply hopeful.

Posted at 11:23:51 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

the BIG day

dahil ako ay dakilang nocturnal person, usually pasikat na ang araw, patulog pa lang ako. pero kagabi, nagpakabait ako't natulog ng 8pm (himala! himala!). at hindi lang yon, naka-set ang alarm ko para gumising kaninang umaga ng alas-kuwatro! aba, aba, aba!

yup, BIG DAY today. Thesis Proposal Presentation sa harap ng faculty panel - dito nakasalalay ang magiging takbo ng buhay ko - kung makaka-graduate na nga ba next sem o sorry na lang dear. it was *that* friggin' important. to add to the pressure, public engagement sya - come one, come all! wheee! and luck of all lucks, i was slated to be the first one offered for grilling. 9am ako dapat naka-sked kaso siguro bangag-bangag pa yung mga teacher kasi nga ang aga, medyo late na dumating yung panel. pati adviser ko muntik na ma-late. buzzer beater si sir! sus mio, kinabahan ako dun ha! pano na lang kung wala sya tapos inokray-okray ako ng panel? whaaa!

sa kabutihang-palad, wala namang malupit na panggigisang naganap. maraming tanong at clarifications si ma'am gay (no kidding, that's her nick, hehe) but nothing major i couldn't answer. nga pala, my thesis is entitled "Mobile Robot Mapping and Navigation Using the Topological Approach". opo, gagawa po ako ng robot na kayang mag-mapa ng environment nya. para halimbawa, inutusan ko sya ng, "uy, punta ka naman sa room ng crush ko tapos bigyan mo sya ng 3 white roses... please?" well, dapat marunong syang pumunta sa room ng crush ko by itself ng hindi naliligaw (navigation) o nabubunggo kung saan (obstacle avoidance) kasi "intelligent" sya. hehehe. ayos ba? wish ko lang eh sana hindi magmana yung robot sa katorpehan ko. ahahaha.

around lunch time, bumalik sa lab yung adviser ko galing sa panel deliberations. approved na raw proposal ko! yipeeeee!!! maraming-maraming salamat po sa mga nag-goodluck. epektib siguro kasi feeling ko ang lakas ng loob ko kanina. ewan ko ba, basta umaga pa lang ang saya-saya ko na. and most specially to YOU... thank you for starting my day right. i appreciate the prayer, the text, and listening to me patiently while i was blabbering nonstop. i don't recall being this happy in a looong while. so close to a perfect day... (^_^)

hyper ako ngayon! well, gutom for some unknown reason (kumain ako, pramis) pero hyper pa rin. mamaya balik ulit ako ng lab para mag-overnight sa school. MDC (microcontroller design contest) na kasi sa sabado. sasali ang lab namin sa mobile robot race eh tatlo yung gustong entry ni sir (para raw ma-sweep yung top 3 spots, wahaha). rush na ito! actually wala naman 'tong grade at pwede na kong magpahinga, pero... masaya eh! makita mo lang na gumagana na yung robot happiness na, cool pa lalo pag nanalo! at sa summer naman, i'm looking forward sa graphic novel ni celine, na *cough-cough* isa ako sa magiging "graphic artist" (desperado na kasi sya, lol). excited na ko!

hay, sarap ng feeling. my life is getting back on track. halos dalawang taon din syang nahinto at muntikan nang gumuho. ngayon unti-unti ko na syang naaayos. (^_^) hehehe, nasesenti na naman ako. nope, can't afford to slip into daydreaming again. ang pagtanggap sa proposal ay hindi katapusan, bagkos ay umpisa pa lamang ng mahaba-haba at madugong paglalakbay.

and dammit, i can't wait to start!

Posted at 8:58:56 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (3)

Saturday, March 06, 2004

catch me?

i think
i am

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

for you...

and it
(suddenly)
frightens me
to be this

- vulnerable -

when you
are there
to catch
the fall...

of someone else.

Posted at 1:44:20 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (4)

Saturday, February 28, 2004

volei craze

i'm too spaced out to write anything coherent right now, so here you go, a different kind of entry.

as you can plainly see, this blog is littered with willow & tara thingamajigies. but almost 4 years ago, i had another obsession quite different altogether.

it started with the 1999 and 2000 World Grand Prix, where the women's volleyball teams of Brazil, Russia, China, Japan, USA, Cuba, Korea and Italy all went to Manila to strut their stuff. one player from the Brazilian team caught my eye almost immediately. she had short boyish hair, blonde with highlights, with eyes and a smile to make your heart skip a beat. in a sea of giants, she was one of the smallest players on the court, but when she jumps for the ball and smashes it with all her might, she becomes one of the fiercest and most feared contenders. this girl had spunk. she played with a mix of overflowing emotion and sharp wit. she had this amazing intensity around her... seeing her play was intoxicating! i couldn't blame the army of fans that adored and almost worshipped her. after watching her play just once, i was bitten by the bug. i became part of the mania known as "LEILA". man, those were crazy days...

a few days back, i was browsing around my old picture files and i stumbled upon some souveneirs of that era - wallpapers i made with Leila Barros and Maurizia Cacciatori (team captain of Italy, setter) as subjects. they were novice efforts at best, very simple, but seeing them again makes me smile and even laugh at myself a little. you'll see why. i just thought i'd share them with you. (^_^)

"Flamengo"

"Fiery Red"

"Superliga"

"Flamengo 2"

"Training"

"Profile"

"Leila Mania"

"Recipe"

"Emotion"

"Air Mauri"

"Air Mauri 2"

"Triple Threat"

Posted at 9:00:07 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Monday, February 23, 2004

ang paglaya (breaking free)

"Freedom"

- a painting by Mary Jane Cross -

sabi mo, mahal mo ako
at mahal din naman kita
kahit hindi ko pa sabihin
kahit hindi ko man ulit-ulitin
dahil kung ilang beses ko
na rin namang napatunayan
sa taon nating pagkakaibigan

noon, mayroon akong pangarap
na sa panahon ng ating pagtanda
sana'y tayo pa rin ang magkasama
ngunit marami nang di pagkakaunawaan
at marami na ring di pagkakasunduan
hindi na natin kailangang lumuha
hindi na nga rin tayo mga bata

kaya naman sa pagkakataong ito
hayaan mong ako na ang lumayo
kahit pa kapwa masakit sa atin
kahit may natitira pang damdamin
dahil kailangan ko nang lumaya
sapagkat, kaibigan, tulad mo
nais ko rin namang lumigaya

hindi nga madali ang landas na ito, oo
masikip, masalimuot, at baku-bako
ngunit huwag mo na akong alalahanin
subukan mo na lamang sanang intindihin
sa iisang bagay lang tayo may utang
at hindi yaon ang Diyos, kaibigan
kundi ang ating sariling kalooban

pasensya na't hindi ako naniniwala sa langit
at ang pagpunta roon ay di ko rin naman nais
pakiwari ko'y isang beses lamang ako mabubuhay
isang pagkakataong maging masaya, tapat at tunay
kung kaya't bago pa man ako mamaalam
hangad kong makamit ang aking kaligayahan
sana'y iyong maunawaan, minamahal kong kaibigan

*for my once wonderfully supportive friend from high school. i used to confide to her about all my crushes, and she'd always be ready to help me in my oh-so-pitiful attempts at stealing even a glimpse of them (i was painfully shy, you see). unfortunately, she has become ultra-religioconservative over the years, and will now, probably, freak out if she ever reads this blog. *shakes head*

Posted at 3:15:03 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Thursday, February 19, 2004

to the one i left behind

when i left the office for the last time that day, i was prepared never to see you again. all i wanted was to confess how i really felt (something i've never done in my entire life), and then i could leave you in peace. i knew you were in love with him, so i resolved to give way to your happiness. i thought i was doing the right thing.

now you call, and i find out he hurt you. the nerve of that jerk, how dare he disrespect you like that! he deserves to rot in jail for violating you. right now i feel like ramming my hands down his throat, taking out his guts and skinning him alive. bastard.

i'm sorry. if only i knew... i thought being with him would make you happy. even now you're still in love with him. hearing you say this really irritates me. yet, on a certain level, i do understand... and that irritates me more. you try to pacify me by sounding like what he did to you was no big deal. do you think for a second that i believe you? try as you may, you can't hide the disappointment you feel between the lines, nor the sadness between the smiles. the only thing that calms me down is that you have your mind over your heart, prepared to lose him. now that's the girl i fell for.

i'm thankful you haven't changed since we've parted ways. i know i haven't been a very good friend to you lately. i'm aware that i'm not nearly as thoughtful as i used to be. i don't call or write to you anymore, yes. but then you must understand, i had to try and get you off my mind. for my own sake.

you said you wanted to see me. and i admit, i also have the urge to see you. more so after this. i do miss you. as a friend? as something more? i don't know. i didn't want to dwell on the feeling. i see no need to complicate matters. i just want to be there for you, because one thing i do know is that in the past, your mere presence gave me comfort. now, let it be the other way. i owe you that much.

so here, take my hand. hold on tight, little one. hold tight.

Posted at 8:25:16 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Sunday, February 15, 2004

that slayer show

i have never been a fan of the horror genre. i was too logical, perhaps. how could i be scared of a homicidal maniac with a penchant for fake hockey masks? please. a werewolf? how cute. here little doggie. witches? my high school teacher was waaay more ugly. vampires? ugh. let's not even go there.

and i guess that's why it took so long for me to take notice and appreciate what i am categorically stating right here, right now as the best show ever to grace television. yup, you know what i'm talking about. Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

back in november 2002, my friend called up asking me to watch the next Buffy episode airing on a local network channel. until that time, i only watched the show sparringly, and so i was barely familiar with the characters, much less the whole story arc. but my friend said this episode was a musical, Emmy-nominated at that. i was intrigued.

at first, in all honesty, the one that got me was willow and tara. last time i checked, willow was a cutie-cute straight girl, and she had a werewolf boyfriend named oz. now, the boyfriend was nowhere to be seen, and willow was having a pretty heated discussion with tara, a girl i'm only seeing for the first time. and um, wait, did she just call her "baby"? *headscratch* hmmm... there's something fishy going on here.

by the end of the episode, i found myself googling "willow and tara" on the net.
by the end of the week, i was addicted to willow/tara fanfics.
by the end of the month, i've downloaded most of the video clips relating to my, um, "favorite couple".
right now, i am a proud owner of all the seven seasons (144 episodes) of the show on vcd.

they became an obsession. but then, along the way, it became apparent that Buffy, by itself as a show, by the way it was written, directed, and acted, was a cut above the rest. Buffy elevated tv from being mindless entertainment into an artform. it didn't stick to any known formulas for success. with daredevilish bravado, it delighted in taking chances and shocking it's audience by defying taboos. critics loved it. as hard as it is to believe, there are even studies conducted by scholars using analogies taken from Buffy to discuss everything from pop-culture to politics, philosophy, law, social science, gender issues, and religion. heck, even a washington strategist used the plot in season 7 to expound on the war in Iraq. i kid you not.

you think i'm pulling your leg? click here. i dare you.

but the clincher for me was camie. camie is my 16-yr old american friend who hates buffy. she said it was demonic, violent, blah, bah, blah, and that willow and tara were gay. she hates gay people (c'mon people, all together now - "BIGOT!"). you could imagine, of course, our arguments were endless. i used to tutor her in math so i'd often drop by their house to study. one day, we had nothing better to do, so i took out my Buffy musical vcd and asked her to watch it. i remember, she asked me which character sang the best.

"well, tara did good," i said. "you'll hate her song, though."

she asked me, "why?"

my reply was sharp as a razor. "'coz she's gay."

to that, camie became silent.

i didn't finish watching the whole thing with her because it was getting late and i had to leave. when i came back the next day, lo and behold! she was fielding questions left and right. how did willow and tara meet? when did they fall in love? why this? why that? she was like a child, genuinely intrigued by a new idea and eager to learn more. yet even her questions suggested she knew more than what she did just the night before. with an impish grin, i started teasing her in a sing-song tone.

"hey! how did you know all that? someone did some research! someone did some research!"

camie used to be incredibly homophobic. there was no reasoning with her. after watching the musical, she became a willow and tara fan. when i asked her why she was so interested, she said she wanted to understand how and why two girls could fall in love. it never occured to her that it was possible. she said she was trying to be more open-minded. i couldn't help but smile.

this was no ordinary show. it changes lives. it changes people.

*this article is a tribute to Joss Whedon, series creator of Buffy & Angel, and the man i call GOD. Buffy wrapped up with it's 7th season last year. i just found out Angel will follow suit, ending its 5-year run this season on the WB network. 'tis the end of an era... *sigh*

Posted at 12:51:21 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (1)

Saturday, February 14, 2004

the bitter pill (a thank you letter)

she was the girl i called "langga". my... beloved.

soulmates? bestfriends? lovers? it was hard to define what we were. and perhaps, that is best. labels can be so limiting at times. but if there is one thing i am sure of, it is that we loved each other more than anything on this earth. we were already making plans to live and grow old together. it was all set.

unfortunately, this world knows no rhyme nor reason.

she developed a tumor in the brain. the doctors said it was a terminal condition, and gave her at most three months. at first you think this kind of thing only happens in the movies, until reality hits you - and then it hits you hard. it was breaking her inside, but still she tried to put on a brave face, for her mom, for me. i was proud. my girl was one tough cookie. together we tried to make the most out of the situation, and i made sure i was always there by her side, to make her smile when she was feeling down. always.

sadly, the odds were far too great and they were against us. one day, she lost consciousness and fell into a coma... she never woke up. she was only 17.

when i lost her, i almost lost myself. i stopped going to school, locked myself in my room and refused to talk to anyone. there was no more future to speak of. without her, everything seemed pointless. as months passed, i thought i'd never stop crying... but i did. sometimes you cry so hard that eventually, you have no more tears left to shed. i've reached my limit, and then, i wasn't even sad. i was just... numb.

i remember there was this one day, i was looking outside and i saw, not very far from where i was, a row of fire trees all abloom. when the wind blew, it shook the branches so wildly that the leaves and the flowers came fluttering down the ground, and fell like bright red snow littered across the street. it was surreal, like a lovely scene taken right out of a dream.

the sight should have been beautiful... but it didn't move me. the reality was, at that moment, i was so mad i wanted to give the world the finger.

for almost a year i banished myself to this solitary existence, hiding inside the shelter of my cocoon.

but then, it happened.

a stranger came. this artsy, brainy, punkish girl with an affinity for black and a flair for sarcasm. we started developing a friendship through our common interests. we met regularly at a cafщ, talking all afternoon - our dreams, our frustrations, our joys and our fears. beneath her tough-chick facade, i found a battle-weary heart just as scarred as my own. when we were together, we had our own little world.

she was my first out-and-out lesbian crush. uh-huh. "lesbian". as eloquent as i try to be, i have difficulty pronouncing the word. but this girl? she was so comfortable, it amused me. it felt so liberating, just hearing her talk. her openness and devil-may-care attitude was like a welcome breath of fresh air. slowly, she tore down my walls and drew me out of hiding. and truth be told, i was scared. i knew i was still fragile. i tried to hold back. yet despite my protests, i fell for her and there was no denying it.

alas, just when i was considering a relationship, she suddenly became involved with another girl. we were only friends, you see. i didn't have a right to get jealous... but i was.

their relationship was hasty and almost unexpected. even she was confused. sometimes she would confide to me about her troubles with her girlfriend. i could only hope she didn't notice my grimace. i almost wanted to blurt out, "of all people, why are you telling me this?" she was thinking of breaking up with the girl. i asked her to reconsider, because the girl loves her so much. yes, i played the martyr. i thought i could supress my emotions and we could remain good friends. i was wrong. i couldn't.

i became more miserable than ever. sometimes i would wake up in the middle of the night and find my whole body shaking uncontrollably, as if it would burst any moment. i felt like screaming but no voice would come out. i felt like crying but no tears would fall. i just couldn't go on like that. i bade her farewell and left on a self-imposed sabbatical, swearing to myself not to come back until i've rid myself of these feelings.

when the smoke cleared, i came to a surprising epiphany: when i lost my best friend, i thought i had stopped caring for anyone, that i will never ever be able to love anything again, but there i was... i was actually hurt. i can feel again and i could not believe it.

at this realization, the pain became more bearable. in some ways, even amusing. she may have hurt me but it was alright. she was the bitter pill i needed to swallow, and now i could begin healing the scars of my past. when i returned from the sabbatical, i got myself a job and went back to school, hoping to finally finish my studies. battered and bruised, but nonetheless determined to fight the good fight once again.

you see, once upon a time, i died.
i was a lonely wanderer drifting aimlessly, oblivious to the world.
she was the storm that disturbed my peace, and brought the lightning that struck me down
... and ironically, brought me back to life.

i guess i just wanted to say, "thanks. i needed that."

Posted at 5:55:18 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Friday, February 13, 2004

thoughts on writing

i just saw this ad on tv, about a primetime telenovela and its 4 main protagonists. they were two guys and two girls, all caught up in a web of messy love affairs. yes, dear reader, your typical soap. in that advertisement, they were asking the audience which pair they wanted to end up as a couple. "send in your votes," they said. "your opinions will surely affect the story!"

unbelievable. i wonder how the writers of that show could stomach such a cheap ploy by that ratings-hungry network. what a travesty! they are betraying the essence of the story (if there was any to begin with) for the sake of popular choice. they are stiffling creativity by shackling the writers' hands in chains and submitting them as a sacrificial lamb to the mob.

artists cannot thrive in this kind of environment, their minds will stagnate! as a writer, you begin your story out of inspiration. a voice inside you screaming, dying to come out. you write because you know no other way. you write because it needs to be told. you write because you have a story worth telling. you give the audience what they need, not what they want.

your stories must reflect life, or perhaps the lack of it. it must all at once shock, amuse, anger, soothe, shake your inner being, stir your soul and torture your mind - and the only cure would be to let it out. most importantly, the story must convey a message - a truth. the whole purpose of storytelling is to point one's eye to the creator's idea thru a cohesive narrative - a story unblemished by the popular demand.

in the end, this telenovela may give us two lovers walking off to the sunset, and yes, it may be a pretty sight. but devoid of meaning, such beauty is wasted, for it would be pointless. hollow. empty.

Posted at 4:04:41 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!