lost & delirious

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

i wonder...

summer had just begun, and yet it rained yesterday. hmmm... i must be getting lucky.

i love the rain. it makes me feel young and giddy and mellow at the same time. it's like the world is being transformed to the way it was when i was a kid, when me and my playmates from the neighborhood would bathe in the rain with reckless abandon. we would play tag or hide-and-seek dripping wet, and when our legs have tired we'd make little paper boats and let the water currents take them on a race through the puddles on the ground, while we jump and cheer wildly at the sidelines.

people tend to associate rain with sorrow, but to me rain is comfort, safety... and a vague feeling of familiarity. like an old friend returning from a long journey, to be welcomed with open arms. i look out the window and there she is, with seemingly incessant downpour and her howling wind caressing my face, reminding me of days gone by. and at night, her rhythmic pitter-patter on the roof sounds not like a grumble, but a soothing lullaby that gently takes me to sleep.

i wonder if i can love people the same way i love rain: to be in love with someone madly yet selflessly. to let the other person be mad, crazy, beautiful, unpredictable and soothing without having to pin them down and make them have to stay. to just be happy each time he or she is there and to be happier still when they stay the week, and to not be sad when they go away, because you know they're coming back. to love the person and expect nothing in return except to know the person is being himself or herself. and finally to know that there are also people whom that person touches in his or her own way, making others fall in love with them too. so you have to share freely and happily, at the same time knowing you are special and that no two people can love a person quite the same way.

Posted at 9:56:05 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (2)

Sunday, April 04, 2004

so close!

The grrrls of So Close: Zhao Wei, Karen Mok & Shu Qi

Shu Qi enters the building dressed in immaculate white, looking oh-so-heavenly. And rightfully so, as she introduces herself as "Computer Angel", with an appointment to no less than the chairman himself. Halted by bodyguards for inspection, a camera zooms in on her and does a fancy thermal scan. Finding nothing, the inspector playfully declares, "A bombshell, sir, but no bomb."

Amen to that. A bombshell, indeed.

I mean, look at them. Are they hot or are they HOT?!?! Tough chicks that kick ass and look good while doing it - what more can you ask for? And to think I loved Charlie's Angels when I first saw it the theater. I am deeply shamed. Screw the angels, man. So Close is the REAL thing. Armed with perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect roundhouse kicks, and a great deal of heart, these three ladies make the movie shine with surprising brilliance.

Shu Qi is sensitive and level-headed Ai Lin, frontman of the duo hit squad and ever protective of her impulsive little sister Ai Quen, played by Zhao Wei. Enter the quirky Kong Yat Hung (Karen Mok), a rookie cop who uses her sharp wit to solve the murder of a business tycoon that inevitably leads her to the sisters, in whom she finds two unlikely allies.

One very striking thing about the movie is how fluid the visuals are. The cinematography and direction, especially in the fight scenes, are delightful to the eye. Imagine Shu Qi, in slow motion, surrounded by floating shards of glass while leaping through the air to catch two guns, flipping to implant her high-healed boot to the ceiling(!), and once suspended upside-down in mid-air, shoots the CEO's two body guards simultaneously on both sides of the room. What a sight!

Then there's the scene at the record store, where playful Zhao Wei spots Karen Mok, who's looking for the song used to jam communications during Shu Qi's assault. The scene was shot entirely without dialogue, but my goodness, the vibe! Check out Zhao checking out Karen. Things that make you go, "Hmmm..."

Zhao Wei sporting a very naughty smirk

So Close manages to pull off a delicate balancing act with flying colors, resulting in a highly entertaining film. It has superb action sequences without being over-the-top brutal like Kill Bill, or being too reliant on what are obviously CGI effects like The Matrix. It has light moments that are fun without being silly, and serious moments that are effective without the melodrama. You actually feel for these characters, and some parts nearly brought me to tears. And hey, a superb FIGHT SCENE with a haunting cover of "Close to You" by the Carpenters serving as background? Mmmm, the irony tingles my spine.

And it ends with Zhao Wei kissing Karen Mok. Ay caramba!

Anyone up for a sequel? :P

***

speaking of charlie's angels, here's a fun fact. after watching jet li's "hero", i was so darn affected by the ending, because it was philosophically VERY HARD for me to digest. i immediately looked for my charlie's angels cd 'coz... well, i wanted to give myself a break from all that excessive thinking. i wanted to watch something that i can enjoy without requiring me to use my brain, haha. i am famous for thinking too much and over-analyzing things, you see.

as i said, years ago i liked it the first few times. in fact, i saw it thrice in the cinema and even bought the soundtrack ("ooooh, barracuda!"). besides, i'm fond of drew barrymore and her "riding in cars with boys", that was touching. *sniff-sniff* but since then i've already taken up all my majors on communications engineering, and therefore knew better, that i now suddenly find the plotline about cellphones and satellites coming across as utterly silly and contrived. i mean, really, where the hell did they get that? instead of having a blast, i was frustrated the whole time. this is what happens when you know too much.

oh well, so much for mindless fun. flush!

***

scout_finch is in-crush! (^_^)

Posted at 9:06:03 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (8)

Monday, March 29, 2004

my crazy girl

once upon a time, there was a very naughty little girl named jynx.

when she was 5 years old, her mom sent her to a proper catholic school, where her teachers were mostly nuns. one day, her religion teacher was telling them about "the miracles of the blessed virgin mary". this caught the interest of our little jynx, so she made a plan. she hid in their room until she was sure everybody else had gone out. then, she went to the table in front, where a statue of the virgin mary stood proud. in one swift motion, she pushed the statue over the edge of the table, sending it crashing to the floor, breaking it into several pieces.

little jynx was very pleased. now was the moment of truth.

she stayed in the room for hours and hours, waiting for the "miracle" their nun teacher was talking about, expecting the broken pieces to put itself back into the unblemished figure of the virgin mary. so she waited. and waited. and waited. until finally she fell asleep.

later that day, the school guard found her crouched in a chair. he called up jynx's grandparents, who had been frantically looking for her all day. when she came back to school the next day, their nun teacher found out what she did to the statue and gave her a punishment. this made little jynx really, really mad. she called her teacher "LIAR!" to her face.

there was no miracle. only a grown-up making up a story. from then on, she never believed in miracles, or holy statues, or the virgin mary, or even religion for that matter. this kid had the balls to think for herself. at 5 years old. wow.

***

a few years later, she was still studying at the catholic school, finishing 6th grade. their english teacher asked them to write a paper on any topic they wished. jynx wrote a paper on "Why divorce should be legalized in the Philippines", with in-depth insights on the complexities of marriage. she didn't believe that two people should be forced to live with each other if circumstances merit their separation. the nuns were scandalized. they nearly fainted when they read her paper, and they even talked to her mom about the matter. jynx was almost expelled from school. i asked her mom what she thought of the paper when she read it. she said it was extremely intelligent. she was proud.

***

interestingly, jynx was also a child actress of sorts in her younger days. she did some cebuano movies, but they only show them in the visayas region (her family was based in dumaguete then). but one director saw her in a movie and offered her a spot in a commercial to be shot in manila. now little jynx didn't know how to speak tagalog then, only english and cebuano. so when she came to manila, people in the set were teasing her about her visayan accent. this irritated jynx a lot. as a consequence, she hated the manileёos and their tagalog, and she swore never to speak their language.

when jynx was older, her mom asked her to learn to speak tagalog. jynx said no, she didn't want to. she was still pissed with the way manileёos made fun of her accent before. her mom teased her that she just couldn't do it, and that's why she didn't even want to try. jynx was severely annoyed by this remark, and so took it as a challenge. before her mom knew it, jynx was learning to speak in spanish, french, italian, russian, and a host of others - all by herself. at 16, jynx could speak fluently in at least 7 languages.

i guess she showed her mom a thing or two.

***

once, in a moment of overwhelming adoration, i called her my angel sent from heaven. she snapped back at me and got upset. i asked her why. she said she didn't like angels. she found them boring, because all they do is pray. she'd much rather be an alien, sent from outer space - all green with insect-like antennas coming out of her forehead.

sometimes i think of how we became close, and i can't help but smile. we had an argument regarding... uh, well... plato. yes, the philosopher. she hates him with the fury of a thousand suns. it rather amused me. but man, the girl makes my jaw drop to the floor when she talks.

i told her, "are you sure you're just 17? you sound like you could already write a social and political treatise of your own! youТre sharp, kid. you know, if I ever have a daughter someday, I wish sheТll grow up to be someone like you. but I wonТt force her, thoughЕ"

her reply made me blush crimson. "well, you'll get your wish so easy if you'll marry me... i know you're smart and i am sharp so our daughter will have our genes!!!"

***

yup, that's my girl. crazy, stubborn, and delightfully unique. of all the things i've done wrong, i must have done something right to deserve your love. how i wish i could have grown old with you...

JULIANA XYNIA DURANO JIMENEZ, 1985-2002
my jynx, my soulmate, my best friend.
happy birthday, messy palangga. i love you as big as the sky.

Posted at 9:46:26 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Sunday, March 21, 2004

random thoughts

when the world gets you down, it's up to you to cheer yourself up. don't expect anyone else to do it for you. grab some donuts, buy some ice cream, cook your favorite meal. go watch a movie, phone your friends, have an ice cold beer. do anything, just DON'T wallow in your misery.

***

i was at the Film Center to support Celine's entry to a film festival. when i got there, she introduced me to her friend.

"Jason, this is my friend, Scout." as per tradition, waving ensues. "oh, by the way, she's GAY. don't try."

nice touch. thanks, Celine. best intro ever.

***

people overly romanticize love and say it's destiny. i think that's just a convenient excuse whenever you don't end up with the person you love - "it wasn't meant to be" and all that clichщ. i tend to believe love is sheer hard work. it's a more empowering mindset. you have control over your life, and all things are possible. although sometimes, it can be cruel when life doesn't turn out according to plan... because you know, somehow, somewhere, you could have done something to change it.

***

last friday, my friend was teasing me about my outfit. i was wearing my favorite UP shirt - a baby tee with glowing orange sleeves. with my bright orange backpack, i could have passed for one of those "glow in the dark" thingies.

the irony is, i hate orange. in fact, the old Stabilo highlighter i used to review my notes was orange, because i know whenever i see a word in that color, my eyes would get severely irritated and flare up. word is memorized, exams are passed. catch my drift?

***

i think i'll name my robot "Kennedy". if you're not a buffy-crazed fan, give up. you will not get this. but those who do will think i'm creepy. how very Warren-esque. what? anything to make this thesis more motivating. just hope i don't get skinned alive when it's time for my defense.

***

a FORMER crush of mine asked me recently:

"I guess the real question is, why do you prefer women? I mean, men can also use their tongue and fingers. Why suddenly turn your backs on millions of years of evolution and start making love to women? (Ok, some species have exhibited instances of homosexuality, but such cases are rare. heehee.) What do you find irresistable in women that men do not possess? What were you thinking at the moment you decided to be a lesbian?"

first of all, you don't "decide" to be a lesbian. it's NOT a choice. you don't get to pick who you become attracted to, it just happens. what you do get to decide upon is whether to let being one come into reality - to let it manifest itself or to repress it.

why in the world do you have to immediately associate everything with sex? i'd like to think that loving women is not that shallow as you paint it. and what the hell do i care about millions or even gazillions of years of evolution? that was them, this is me. my life will NOT be ruled by convention or evolution. of all people, i thought you knew better than to ask that.

for years, i did try to repress it. that's what you do when you're in an environment hostile to your kind. but now i just chose to finally be true to myself. why? because one day, the risk it took to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

i guess you could say... i got tired of all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. believe me, it sucks.

***

on my way home after watching the cool "Vagina Monologues", the weirdest thing happened. a butch lesbian changed seats in the jeepney so that she would be in front of me. then, she looked at me and RAPPED her heart out with a sort of harana (a love song), the hip-hop version. thinking back, it was kinda sweet, but it was almost 1am then and i was just too tired and incoherent. she may have thought i ignored her.

to the rapper girl: if it's any consolation, i still remember it, and whoever you are, you earned a space in my blog. amazing gaydar (er... lesbi-dar?) you got there to spot me like that. some people are so darn clueless.

Posted at 4:28:17 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (5)

Sunday, March 14, 2004

reminiscence

the sunrise as seen from the EEE building

i spent the past two nights at the mobot lab in school, helping out to rush this thingie for an inter-collegiate contest. a line-following mobile robot race of sorts. after endless hours of working overtime, could you imagine how spaced out people were by saturday noon? they looked more like zombies than anything else, staring blankly at the computer screen with barely functioning brains. it was uh, reeeally, reeeally bad.

ah, cramming... sleepless nights... welcome back to EEE life.

the only good thing about these project overnight marathons is that every morning, you get to go up the roofdeck at the 5th floor and soak up the view of the beautiful sunrise. the picture is a snapshot of the first time i ever saw it from there, almost 3 years ago. my friend leo and i spent all night talking at the roofdeck, waiting patiently for the sun to appear, camera in hand. we were awe-struck, i tell you. the scene that gently unfolded before our very eyes was incredibly breathtaking.

seeing it again the past few days brought back a lot of memories. i used to almost live in the department because of my academic workload. it became a morning habit to wake up at 5:30am so i could go up and catch the sunrise, along with the cool morning breeze, the chirping of the birds, the swaying of the trees to the wind, and sometimes when i'm lucky, the light rain to awaken my senses. then at 6am, i would go down to catch an "Ikot" ride to the co-op canteen. there i would take my ritual 15-peso breakfast, consisting of fried rice and 2 slices of luncheon meat. what's that you say? no, no, no. i'm not thin. i'm slim. =P

you know, when my best friend Jynx was still here, i used to have this smug grin painted all over my face. every morning when i come back to the department, i would think to myself, my god, the world is such a beautiful place... i'm so damn lucky to be alive. when she suddenly disappeared, i was frightened that the worst had come to pass (would it be a crime to be paranoid if your best friend has a terminal illness?). i went to the roofdeck to catch the sunrise, desperate to cheer myself up. it wasn't the same. the once wonderful view became dull in my eyes. i guess that's what they mean by "relativity".

a lot of things has happened since then. Jynx passed away and my life had become one intense rollercoaster ride. two years... the world has changed so much, and i, along with it. so now you ask, how did i feel when i saw the sunrise again after so long?

hopeful. simply hopeful.

Posted at 11:23:51 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

the BIG day

dahil ako ay dakilang nocturnal person, usually pasikat na ang araw, patulog pa lang ako. pero kagabi, nagpakabait ako't natulog ng 8pm (himala! himala!). at hindi lang yon, naka-set ang alarm ko para gumising kaninang umaga ng alas-kuwatro! aba, aba, aba!

yup, BIG DAY today. Thesis Proposal Presentation sa harap ng faculty panel - dito nakasalalay ang magiging takbo ng buhay ko - kung makaka-graduate na nga ba next sem o sorry na lang dear. it was *that* friggin' important. to add to the pressure, public engagement sya - come one, come all! wheee! and luck of all lucks, i was slated to be the first one offered for grilling. 9am ako dapat naka-sked kaso siguro bangag-bangag pa yung mga teacher kasi nga ang aga, medyo late na dumating yung panel. pati adviser ko muntik na ma-late. buzzer beater si sir! sus mio, kinabahan ako dun ha! pano na lang kung wala sya tapos inokray-okray ako ng panel? whaaa!

sa kabutihang-palad, wala namang malupit na panggigisang naganap. maraming tanong at clarifications si ma'am gay (no kidding, that's her nick, hehe) but nothing major i couldn't answer. nga pala, my thesis is entitled "Mobile Robot Mapping and Navigation Using the Topological Approach". opo, gagawa po ako ng robot na kayang mag-mapa ng environment nya. para halimbawa, inutusan ko sya ng, "uy, punta ka naman sa room ng crush ko tapos bigyan mo sya ng 3 white roses... please?" well, dapat marunong syang pumunta sa room ng crush ko by itself ng hindi naliligaw (navigation) o nabubunggo kung saan (obstacle avoidance) kasi "intelligent" sya. hehehe. ayos ba? wish ko lang eh sana hindi magmana yung robot sa katorpehan ko. ahahaha.

around lunch time, bumalik sa lab yung adviser ko galing sa panel deliberations. approved na raw proposal ko! yipeeeee!!! maraming-maraming salamat po sa mga nag-goodluck. epektib siguro kasi feeling ko ang lakas ng loob ko kanina. ewan ko ba, basta umaga pa lang ang saya-saya ko na. and most specially to YOU... thank you for starting my day right. i appreciate the prayer, the text, and listening to me patiently while i was blabbering nonstop. i don't recall being this happy in a looong while. so close to a perfect day... (^_^)

hyper ako ngayon! well, gutom for some unknown reason (kumain ako, pramis) pero hyper pa rin. mamaya balik ulit ako ng lab para mag-overnight sa school. MDC (microcontroller design contest) na kasi sa sabado. sasali ang lab namin sa mobile robot race eh tatlo yung gustong entry ni sir (para raw ma-sweep yung top 3 spots, wahaha). rush na ito! actually wala naman 'tong grade at pwede na kong magpahinga, pero... masaya eh! makita mo lang na gumagana na yung robot happiness na, cool pa lalo pag nanalo! at sa summer naman, i'm looking forward sa graphic novel ni celine, na *cough-cough* isa ako sa magiging "graphic artist" (desperado na kasi sya, lol). excited na ko!

hay, sarap ng feeling. my life is getting back on track. halos dalawang taon din syang nahinto at muntikan nang gumuho. ngayon unti-unti ko na syang naaayos. (^_^) hehehe, nasesenti na naman ako. nope, can't afford to slip into daydreaming again. ang pagtanggap sa proposal ay hindi katapusan, bagkos ay umpisa pa lamang ng mahaba-haba at madugong paglalakbay.

and dammit, i can't wait to start!

Posted at 8:58:56 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (3)

Saturday, March 06, 2004

catch me?

i think
i am

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

for you...

and it
(suddenly)
frightens me
to be this

- vulnerable -

when you
are there
to catch
the fall...

of someone else.

Posted at 1:44:20 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Hear the people sing! (4)

Saturday, February 28, 2004

volei craze

i'm too spaced out to write anything coherent right now, so here you go, a different kind of entry.

as you can plainly see, this blog is littered with willow & tara thingamajigies. but almost 4 years ago, i had another obsession quite different altogether.

it started with the 1999 and 2000 World Grand Prix, where the women's volleyball teams of Brazil, Russia, China, Japan, USA, Cuba, Korea and Italy all went to Manila to strut their stuff. one player from the Brazilian team caught my eye almost immediately. she had short boyish hair, blonde with highlights, with eyes and a smile to make your heart skip a beat. in a sea of giants, she was one of the smallest players on the court, but when she jumps for the ball and smashes it with all her might, she becomes one of the fiercest and most feared contenders. this girl had spunk. she played with a mix of overflowing emotion and sharp wit. she had this amazing intensity around her... seeing her play was intoxicating! i couldn't blame the army of fans that adored and almost worshipped her. after watching her play just once, i was bitten by the bug. i became part of the mania known as "LEILA". man, those were crazy days...

a few days back, i was browsing around my old picture files and i stumbled upon some souveneirs of that era - wallpapers i made with Leila Barros and Maurizia Cacciatori (team captain of Italy, setter) as subjects. they were novice efforts at best, very simple, but seeing them again makes me smile and even laugh at myself a little. you'll see why. i just thought i'd share them with you. (^_^)

"Flamengo"

"Fiery Red"

"Superliga"

"Flamengo 2"

"Training"

"Profile"

"Leila Mania"

"Recipe"

"Emotion"

"Air Mauri"

"Air Mauri 2"

"Triple Threat"

Posted at 9:00:07 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Monday, February 23, 2004

ang paglaya (breaking free)

"Freedom"

- a painting by Mary Jane Cross -

sabi mo, mahal mo ako
at mahal din naman kita
kahit hindi ko pa sabihin
kahit hindi ko man ulit-ulitin
dahil kung ilang beses ko
na rin namang napatunayan
sa taon nating pagkakaibigan

noon, mayroon akong pangarap
na sa panahon ng ating pagtanda
sana'y tayo pa rin ang magkasama
ngunit marami nang di pagkakaunawaan
at marami na ring di pagkakasunduan
hindi na natin kailangang lumuha
hindi na nga rin tayo mga bata

kaya naman sa pagkakataong ito
hayaan mong ako na ang lumayo
kahit pa kapwa masakit sa atin
kahit may natitira pang damdamin
dahil kailangan ko nang lumaya
sapagkat, kaibigan, tulad mo
nais ko rin namang lumigaya

hindi nga madali ang landas na ito, oo
masikip, masalimuot, at baku-bako
ngunit huwag mo na akong alalahanin
subukan mo na lamang sanang intindihin
sa iisang bagay lang tayo may utang
at hindi yaon ang Diyos, kaibigan
kundi ang ating sariling kalooban

pasensya na't hindi ako naniniwala sa langit
at ang pagpunta roon ay di ko rin naman nais
pakiwari ko'y isang beses lamang ako mabubuhay
isang pagkakataong maging masaya, tapat at tunay
kung kaya't bago pa man ako mamaalam
hangad kong makamit ang aking kaligayahan
sana'y iyong maunawaan, minamahal kong kaibigan

*for my once wonderfully supportive friend from high school. i used to confide to her about all my crushes, and she'd always be ready to help me in my oh-so-pitiful attempts at stealing even a glimpse of them (i was painfully shy, you see). unfortunately, she has become ultra-religioconservative over the years, and will now, probably, freak out if she ever reads this blog. *shakes head*

Posted at 3:15:03 pm by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!

Thursday, February 19, 2004

to the one i left behind

when i left the office for the last time that day, i was prepared never to see you again. all i wanted was to confess how i really felt (something i've never done in my entire life), and then i could leave you in peace. i knew you were in love with him, so i resolved to give way to your happiness. i thought i was doing the right thing.

now you call, and i find out he hurt you. the nerve of that jerk, how dare he disrespect you like that! he deserves to rot in jail for violating you. right now i feel like ramming my hands down his throat, taking out his guts and skinning him alive. bastard.

i'm sorry. if only i knew... i thought being with him would make you happy. even now you're still in love with him. hearing you say this really irritates me. yet, on a certain level, i do understand... and that irritates me more. you try to pacify me by sounding like what he did to you was no big deal. do you think for a second that i believe you? try as you may, you can't hide the disappointment you feel between the lines, nor the sadness between the smiles. the only thing that calms me down is that you have your mind over your heart, prepared to lose him. now that's the girl i fell for.

i'm thankful you haven't changed since we've parted ways. i know i haven't been a very good friend to you lately. i'm aware that i'm not nearly as thoughtful as i used to be. i don't call or write to you anymore, yes. but then you must understand, i had to try and get you off my mind. for my own sake.

you said you wanted to see me. and i admit, i also have the urge to see you. more so after this. i do miss you. as a friend? as something more? i don't know. i didn't want to dwell on the feeling. i see no need to complicate matters. i just want to be there for you, because one thing i do know is that in the past, your mere presence gave me comfort. now, let it be the other way. i owe you that much.

so here, take my hand. hold on tight, little one. hold tight.

Posted at 8:25:16 am by a bruised soul named "scoutfinch"
Sing me your song!